There is something empowering about saying screw it all and starting over.
If you are reading this post, know that you are an iterator. You are the kind of person willing to seek answers when the shit hits the fan too many times. You are not someone who settles. You have standards that your life should meet and you are putting in the energy to bring it into your reality.
When something doesn't work anymore, you know it and you don't tolerate it.
That already puts you in a position that other people cannot achieve.
The questions in this post all have a purpose to help you reach your goal. The content of them might surprise you and the answers may give you a new direction and freedom you didn't expect.
How to Change Your Life
To change your life, you first have to know what doesn't work anymore and what you are hiding from. There is magic hiding in those moments because what your subconscious mind is hiding from is likely the thing that would bring the most transformation. These transformations would be uncomfortable but life-altering, which is why your mind is hiding them from you. That kind of change scares the subconscious mind, but that doesn't mean it is something you shouldn't do.
Let's dig up the answers you need with these questions. Get out a pen and paper or run wild in Notion* (my favorite app for journaling and planning) - but don't shy away from these questions. Write out the answers as if they will self-destruct after, completely safe from any other prying eyes. Be honest in your journal.
What do you hate about yourself? Why?
What brings you shame? Why?
What is something you've always wanted, but don't think you are capable of? Why can't you do it?
What desires do you have that you have never said out loud? Why are they a secret?
If you could take an obligation or person out of your life without any consequences at the snap of your fingers, what or who would it be and why?
These questions should make you emotional when you write out the answers because they are hidden parts of you that you have attached pain to. This is where you need to focus your change.
I'm here to tell you that the answer to these questions are secret needs, ignored boundaries, and hidden wants that are meant for you.
None of the things you think are negative or bad about yourself are actually bad at all. The thing you are ashamed of? You are not actually ashamed of it. You are upset about what that thing supposedly says about you. You want it, but you don't want the association you think it shares with the world.
For example, I used to be ashamed that I change projects often and don't stick to tasks. I thought it meant I was irresponsible and would disappoint other people for taking too long if I didn't stay on task. For the past year and a half, I practiced embracing my project switching and following my passions without the shame and guess what? I am faster at completing projects than ever before. Because I wouldn't switch previously, it would take me years to write one book. Now, I am writing three books a year. The opposite of my root fear was true. I am more successful and celebrated than before because I embraced the way my brain works.
The thing you don't think you are capable of? I'm telling you lovely, you have to start pursuing it right now and practicing affirming words that you are made for this goal or task. Anything desired by you is meant for you. This desire would not have come to your awareness if it wasn't something you were already doing in another parallel universe. Every desire is a possibility. Shut down your negative beliefs about it. You want this thing or what this thing will give you, so don't stop yourself now.
Address all these feelings, find what you think they mean, and then decide on a better story.
Releasing shame and expectation about who you "should" be for others and society and you will change your life for the better.
Once you realize where you are being an asshole to yourself, you have to change it. The more you accept who you are and what you want, the more your life will change.
But how do you get started making these changes to embrace yourself more fully? Here are a few bullet points.
Be honest about your wants and share them more often with others.
Address your triggers (like jealousy and judgment) and their root cause honestly
Practice instilling your boundaries and communicating them until they hold stronger with those around you
Focus on the feelings your wants give you and then associate those feelings with more activities (for example, money is freedom, how else can you feel free?)
Practice self-love by telling yourself you are not wrong for your wants and reminding yourself daily.
The specific actions you need from there are dependent on your answers and needs. For me, with my example about feeling shame for wanting to change projects all the time, I had to do the activity I felt shame about more often and more freely until it became normal.
Repeat After Me: I am not wrong for wanting what I want.
You have your list now for how to change your life. Get going. I'm proud of you.
Welcome to mood, our series of personal essays on rebeccaksampson.com. These posts will be about empowering you to take on a new perspective to problems and scenarios you encounter with sass, mindset reflection, and new perspectives. Read all mood blog posts to catch up on the series.
Photo by Kübra Arslaner.
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